[ guilt swells in her chest, swift and suffocating, rising up to cinch her throat closed. suddenly, drawing breath feels like a monumental task — like a war with her own heavy heart. how long ago had she been cursing her own existence, hoping for an escape from the dread she wakes to each morning, the chains she can't shuck off? how eagerly had she thrown the idea of her sacrifice in aleksander's face as though it were a pointed arrow, in a bloodthirsty attempt to hurt him as he had wounded her? to show him what he had turned her into — this tired, aching thing, looking for a peace she will never find.
and clara had been here all along, rattled by her fear. hoping against all odds for another chance, for another attempt at life, while alina had been mourning her own and all too eager to throw that gift away. her misery feels so stupid and childish, now. so utterly selfish, once faced with clara's fear — faced with the rippling effects of that loss, the damage it had wrought upon her and the doctor. shamefaced, alina's gaze wilts, drooping to their joined hands. it's difficult to look clara in the eye, in the wake of that, but —
her attention snaps up, quick, determination hardening the corners of her eyes. ]
You are not defective. [ immediately, she bristles at the connotations of that word. defective. wrong. so close to what alina believes she is, fearful of what she might become. it stings, to think clara could ever see herself that way. clara — who thinks of the doctor, first. clara, who had no obligation to hold her up, but has stayed to support her in her most uncertain, murky moments. who grows flowers like memories to preserve, who builds gardens for lost women. compassionate, bold clara. ] I didn't know you before, but I know you now. And the Clara Oswald I see in front of me is brave, and stubborn, and strong. Whether your heart is or isn't beating —
[ her fingertips lift, tap-tap-tapping a gentle beat against clara's sternum. softly, her warm palm settles there, fingertips fanning out. ]
— It's one of the biggest hearts I've known. You know what you have to do, Clara, and you will. Even if it hurts. Even if you think you can't possibly bear it. [ because — because people like them have no other choice. because she knows clara won't be able to walk away, if her sacrifice means saving something she loves so dearly. ] I'll be here with you along the way. It's your fate to face, but you don't have to face it alone.
cw: mentions of suicidal ideation
and clara had been here all along, rattled by her fear. hoping against all odds for another chance, for another attempt at life, while alina had been mourning her own and all too eager to throw that gift away. her misery feels so stupid and childish, now. so utterly selfish, once faced with clara's fear — faced with the rippling effects of that loss, the damage it had wrought upon her and the doctor. shamefaced, alina's gaze wilts, drooping to their joined hands. it's difficult to look clara in the eye, in the wake of that, but —
her attention snaps up, quick, determination hardening the corners of her eyes. ]
You are not defective. [ immediately, she bristles at the connotations of that word. defective. wrong. so close to what alina believes she is, fearful of what she might become. it stings, to think clara could ever see herself that way. clara — who thinks of the doctor, first. clara, who had no obligation to hold her up, but has stayed to support her in her most uncertain, murky moments. who grows flowers like memories to preserve, who builds gardens for lost women. compassionate, bold clara. ] I didn't know you before, but I know you now. And the Clara Oswald I see in front of me is brave, and stubborn, and strong. Whether your heart is or isn't beating —
[ her fingertips lift, tap-tap-tapping a gentle beat against clara's sternum. softly, her warm palm settles there, fingertips fanning out. ]
— It's one of the biggest hearts I've known. You know what you have to do, Clara, and you will. Even if it hurts. Even if you think you can't possibly bear it. [ because — because people like them have no other choice. because she knows clara won't be able to walk away, if her sacrifice means saving something she loves so dearly. ] I'll be here with you along the way. It's your fate to face, but you don't have to face it alone.