It is selfish. [He says it in a matter-of-factly way, nothing heated in it, nothing gritty with emotion. It just Is.] We all just wanna be loved so we're not alone. Humans are super social creatures, y'know? Always needing company and companionship and a reason to keep trucking. But wanting to be loved doesn't do anything for the people who don't have the energy to love you back. It's kinder to dump your feelings in a recycle bin and just move along.
[He rubs a hand over his face.]
Man, I don't know what I'm rambling about. But I'm not upset or anything, if that's what you're worried about. I actually feel pretty good! Objectively speaking. I might've skipped out on sleeping last night, so it's got me all wired tonight, and I ramble the most when I'm tired.
[Like a kid after a sugar high. Alert and wake and jabbering one moment, passed out in the back seat with an ice-cream falling into the car's footwell the next.]
[He doesn't necessarily do anything to ease her worry, but she recognizes that he's not needing her to come over right away.]
You should try sleeping tonight.
[it's a gentle reminder, like he hasn't thought of it himself. It helps her put off addressing the bigger issue at hand, what he's just gone on about. Selfishness. Connection. Human nature. Love.
She's not the best person to be talking about any of those things right now, not with the disaster she's been the past few months. But for Newt, she'll discuss anything.]
After I came back, I thought I'd do anything to form connections. To find someone to love, someone who could love me. I was so desperate to feel human and alive that I put my energy and all of my focus into a single person. I was selfish. And reckless.
[There's a pause as she sighs, shifting from her place on the floor.]
I still want to be loved so I know I'm not alone. But I'm trying not to be selfish. Same as you. We can work on it together.
Oh? Yeah. That's actually a good thought. Sleeping tonight.
[There's a soft hum with the replies that follow: a thoughtful little noise, but perhaps a touch distant. Uninspired. As he lies across his bed and stares at the inn's ceiling, he thinks about the sturdiness of the wooden planks overhead; it's not much, not compared to cement or asphalt. If a kaiju wanted to break through the ceiling of this place, it would take nothing. Nothing at all. But then again, Otachi ripped through the street like paper, once she had the right footholds.]
I think... I don't mind it anymore. Being alone.
I mean, not that I want to not have you or the others around — I love my friends. I love my crew, too, I just... Yeah. I'm alone, but that's not always the bad thing I thought it was.
After all, most of my relationships have been duds. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I let a lot of those relationships walk all over me, y'know? You'd think I would have been more independent, but... looking back, I was kind of pathetic. And in major denial. Did you know I wore contacts for, like, five months to make my ex happy?
Who does that? Who's that desperate to keep something they're so unhappy in going?
[It's that slight hint of distance that concerns her. But she can't do anything but worry about it for now, filing away information to bring up again later.]
Someone that's afraid of being alone.
[Which is recently something she's very afraid of. So she's more speaking on herself than him when she says it, though it kills her that it applies to him too.]
That fear can make you cruel or cowardly. But it doesn't with you, Newt. It makes you love with your entire heart. And maybe it makes you desperate sometimes. But you are never pathetic. If anyone walks all over you because you have a good heart, that makes them the pathetic one.
[But with that word, his brow furrows, and he seems to break free of the faraway world he'd been casually floating through. He presses his fingers into his closed eyes and comes back to himself.]
Yeah, you're right. That's the important thing, huh? Making sure you've got a good heart. I mean, I love my great brain, but it's not much if there's no good heart attached. Hey, you should get some sleep, huh? You know I'm just rambling to take up time, right? It's not anything serious, I promise; I'll be over it by the time the sun's up.
[And then, in a teasing little sing-song voice:]
You should be snuggling up to Mr. Doctor, Mrs. Doctor.
[It's like he can hear the blush in her voice. How dare he tease her! She's not truly mad or upset at him for doing it though, and laughs it off. Total nose wrinkling up, laughing softly to not wake up the Doctor sort of giggling.]
Well, he is perfectly snuggly. Which I will completely deny saying if you ever dare tell him.
[She shifts enough to look back over toward the bed. Maybe things had been rough the past couple of months, but they're starting to look better now. It's alarming that Newt is having thoughts of just giving up on things like love and matters of the heart, but she can work on changing his mind later. Letting him tease her a bit before she goes on her way is more important.]
Married people also tend to have a lot of hanky-panky going on.
[And then, just to make her more embarrassed:]
... Are you two 'snogging'?
[After a moment of letting her suffer in this terrible space of the doctor and clara oswald snogginG, he smiles more earnestly, hand resting over his heart where he lie.]
Hey, Clara. Don't give up on being selfish and finding something to hold onto. Keep loving with your whole heart and trying to be less alone. I'll catch up to you, okay? I promise.
[Something in her panics. She's not sure why, but this registers as a goodbye. She wants to tell him to wait, to keep talking. But she isn't going to force him to keep talking when he clearly is pressing her to go back to bed and snog the Doctor.]
I'm holding you to that.
[There's a pause, and then -]
We're not, by the way. Snogging. It's not like that.
[But she leaves things there, because she realizes her saying "It's not like that" sounds like denial.]
Goodnight, Newt.
[And she leaves it at that, cutting her end of the feed.]
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no subject
It is selfish. [He says it in a matter-of-factly way, nothing heated in it, nothing gritty with emotion. It just Is.] We all just wanna be loved so we're not alone. Humans are super social creatures, y'know? Always needing company and companionship and a reason to keep trucking. But wanting to be loved doesn't do anything for the people who don't have the energy to love you back. It's kinder to dump your feelings in a recycle bin and just move along.
[He rubs a hand over his face.]
Man, I don't know what I'm rambling about. But I'm not upset or anything, if that's what you're worried about. I actually feel pretty good! Objectively speaking. I might've skipped out on sleeping last night, so it's got me all wired tonight, and I ramble the most when I'm tired.
[Like a kid after a sugar high. Alert and wake and jabbering one moment, passed out in the back seat with an ice-cream falling into the car's footwell the next.]
no subject
You should try sleeping tonight.
[it's a gentle reminder, like he hasn't thought of it himself. It helps her put off addressing the bigger issue at hand, what he's just gone on about. Selfishness. Connection. Human nature. Love.
She's not the best person to be talking about any of those things right now, not with the disaster she's been the past few months. But for Newt, she'll discuss anything.]
After I came back, I thought I'd do anything to form connections. To find someone to love, someone who could love me. I was so desperate to feel human and alive that I put my energy and all of my focus into a single person. I was selfish. And reckless.
[There's a pause as she sighs, shifting from her place on the floor.]
I still want to be loved so I know I'm not alone. But I'm trying not to be selfish. Same as you. We can work on it together.
no subject
[There's a soft hum with the replies that follow: a thoughtful little noise, but perhaps a touch distant. Uninspired. As he lies across his bed and stares at the inn's ceiling, he thinks about the sturdiness of the wooden planks overhead; it's not much, not compared to cement or asphalt. If a kaiju wanted to break through the ceiling of this place, it would take nothing. Nothing at all. But then again, Otachi ripped through the street like paper, once she had the right footholds.]
I think... I don't mind it anymore. Being alone.
I mean, not that I want to not have you or the others around — I love my friends. I love my crew, too, I just... Yeah. I'm alone, but that's not always the bad thing I thought it was.
After all, most of my relationships have been duds. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I let a lot of those relationships walk all over me, y'know? You'd think I would have been more independent, but... looking back, I was kind of pathetic. And in major denial. Did you know I wore contacts for, like, five months to make my ex happy?
Who does that? Who's that desperate to keep something they're so unhappy in going?
no subject
Someone that's afraid of being alone.
[Which is recently something she's very afraid of. So she's more speaking on herself than him when she says it, though it kills her that it applies to him too.]
That fear can make you cruel or cowardly. But it doesn't with you, Newt. It makes you love with your entire heart. And maybe it makes you desperate sometimes. But you are never pathetic. If anyone walks all over you because you have a good heart, that makes them the pathetic one.
no subject
[But with that word, his brow furrows, and he seems to break free of the faraway world he'd been casually floating through. He presses his fingers into his closed eyes and comes back to himself.]
Yeah, you're right. That's the important thing, huh? Making sure you've got a good heart. I mean, I love my great brain, but it's not much if there's no good heart attached. Hey, you should get some sleep, huh? You know I'm just rambling to take up time, right? It's not anything serious, I promise; I'll be over it by the time the sun's up.
[And then, in a teasing little sing-song voice:]
You should be snuggling up to Mr. Doctor, Mrs. Doctor.
no subject
[It's like he can hear the blush in her voice. How dare he tease her! She's not truly mad or upset at him for doing it though, and laughs it off. Total nose wrinkling up, laughing softly to not wake up the Doctor sort of giggling.]
Well, he is perfectly snuggly. Which I will completely deny saying if you ever dare tell him.
[She shifts enough to look back over toward the bed. Maybe things had been rough the past couple of months, but they're starting to look better now. It's alarming that Newt is having thoughts of just giving up on things like love and matters of the heart, but she can work on changing his mind later. Letting him tease her a bit before she goes on her way is more important.]
no subject
Oh, I'm gonna tell him. It's my duty as the obnoxious friend!
Did you elbow your way into his bed for warmth, or does he have a hard time with this whole 'sleeping' business that he needed someone to back him up?
no subject
[oh, the embarrassment is dripping in her clipped and curt tone.]
We just started sharing a bed. It's what married people do.
[even fake married people, okay!!! Stop teasing her.]
no subject
[And then, just to make her more embarrassed:]
... Are you two 'snogging'?
[After a moment of letting her suffer in this terrible space of the doctor and clara oswald snogginG, he smiles more earnestly, hand resting over his heart where he lie.]
Hey, Clara. Don't give up on being selfish and finding something to hold onto. Keep loving with your whole heart and trying to be less alone. I'll catch up to you, okay? I promise.
no subject
I'm holding you to that.
[There's a pause, and then -]
We're not, by the way. Snogging. It's not like that.
[But she leaves things there, because she realizes her saying "It's not like that" sounds like denial.]
Goodnight, Newt.
[And she leaves it at that, cutting her end of the feed.]
no subject
(He's been told he's fine, and so he must be.)
He smiles fondly.]
... 'Night, Stargirl.
[When he hangs up, he sits and watches the walls for a while.]