Ximilia Contact

[bossily]

// stargirl

TEXT • AUDIO • VIDEO

XIMILIA

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[peasant]

don't think i'll forget about this

[ the answer is a resounding no twisting up her insides until they're a mangled mess, but. fleeing at this juncture would be too obvious, wouldn't it? ]

what could you possibly want to know about mine?

[bossily]

dunno

who it is you're kissing maybe?

[peasant]

you've already met my bullet-ridden boyfriend
his fragile pride is going to be upset if you claim it wasn't a memorable occasion

[ not exactly the answer clara was seeking, no, but it's the one alina opts for. ]

[bossily]

Rhysand?

I suppose I probably shouldn't mention how attractive he is, if you'd like to keep his pride from getting out of control

[peasant]

yes, that's him. the one and only royal rhysand
he's quite obnoxiously aware of what he looks like
you're free to mention it at the peril of his ego swelling so large it swallows the town

[bossily]

he calls me queen clara

i certainly approve of your choices

is that who you're staying with then?

[peasant]

if anyone is suited to a crown it would be you
lots of opportunities to boss your kingdom around to your heart's content 👑

as far as i know he's rooming with yelena
though i wouldn't be surprised if she's suffocated him with a pillow by now

[bossily]

wait

he's your boyfriend and you're not taking full advantage of that fact while we're here?

[peasant]

how would i take full advantage of that?
what am i supposed to be taking advantage of?

[ help. ]

they decided to room together to uphold their cover story
there's nothing wrong with that

[bossily]

never said there was

i was merely pointing out the fact that you could've enjoyed your time alone with him every night. the teasing goes both ways, Alina

[peasant]

oh

[ this is what happens when you've had all of one (true) friend to tease you in your lifetime. ]

i can assure you i don't need time alone at night to find opportunities to take full advantage of him

[bossily]

I don't think I've ever been as proud of you as I am right now

[peasant]

and why's that?

[bossily]

It's a good thing when you can take what you like without being apologetic about enjoying it.

[peasant]

[ only — there are some wants she should be ashamed of craving, some things she's taken that she should feel sickly guilty over enjoying. unseen, she pauses, mouth pursing. ]

wisdom you should follow
if i can do it so can you
probably even better than i can

[ while it's true, it's also — predictably — alina's way of rerouting this conversation away from herself and back onto clara. ]

[bossily]

[Clara easily recognizes that and lets the shift happen without protest]

Judging by the way things went with Kovacs? I'm not so sure I agree with that assertion.

[peasant]

okay, so new tactic
take what you want and enjoy it from someone who won't make it complicated?
as long as you both know what you want from it
people in the first army tumbled each other all the time without making it uncomfortable

it's really only a matter of time before the doctor realizes he's madly in love with you and comes running, anyway

[bossily]

what about you?

will you make it complicated?

[peasant]

is that what you want?

[ a rhetorical question, alina presumes, in all of its soft surprise; for all of clara's shaken insecurities, there's a momentum to her existence that seems unstoppable — aware of what she wants and barreling toward it. but it still serves as a shock to alina's system, any time she's the object of anyone's want. ]

you're my friend
you'll always be my friend
it doesn't have to be any more complicated than that

rhys allows me the freedom of being with whoever i want to be with
but i should warn you i don't know what i'm doing

[ wait — ]

with women, i mean

[bossily]

[Alina gives a proper response, and Clara is left unsure how to proceed. She had been expecting Alina to give a more flustered answer and change the subject. It takes Clara a moment to respond.]

i don't know what i want

or what i truly need

i've been out of sorts since coming back to the ximilia a couple of months ago. i've been so desperate to not be alone, to feel truly alive again, that i've made so many wrong and reckless choices without considering how they impacted the people around me

but i do know i can't just go from talking about loving the doctor to trying to bed the woman that's become my closest friend here. even if i could teach you plenty about how to be with a woman

[peasant]

i understand
i don't want you to add me to a pile of choices you regret, either

you have time to decide what it is you want in your new life, whatever that ends up being
i don't think any of us are ever good at knowing what we need, though

[ even then, alina would rather suffer that uncertainty than endure the choice being made for her. she taps a finger on her knee, unsure of how to awkwardly proceed in comforting clara after that twist in the conversation, before she settles on: ]

whichever choices you do make, know that you're not alone

[bossily]

[for her part, there's absolutely no awkwardness that Clara feels. these are just normal conversations that ladies have with their close friends, she assumes.]

you have no idea how grateful i am to have you

[peasant]

i think i have some idea
cake warfare aside

[bossily]

i think we should agree to never speak of cake warfare ever again

[peasant]

fair enough
i wouldn't want to embarrass you after you suffered such an embarrassing defeat against my cake forces
i'll be sure not to mention it again